10 Grasshoppers = 1 Burger

Last night I read a magazine I was coerced into taking a peek at. My co-worker and friend Larry, threatened to black mail me with a devastating secret if I didn’t do his will and read/blog about one of his magazines. (Well, it’s not really devastating, and it’s not really a secret, but it makes for better reading…) So since Larry is a little bit of a nerd (It’s okay guys, girls secretly dig nerds (right?) ) I said “Oh, great. Are you going to have me reading something about Star Trek or backpacking? (He’s a big hiker.)

I scoffed the next day when he brought me Backpacker. I think that is what they call “hitting the nail on the head.”

I do like the cover, though. It is dubbed “The Survival Issue” and the cover features a dirty, scraped hand holding a lit match. Among some recipes with very interesting names, like “Bear Bait Pancakes” and “Switchback Salad” (which only makes me think about Jake and Health in a tent together), it gives some “mini-hikes” (an average of 60 miles long, uh huh) and also boasts 123 Life Saving Skills. And I read them all.

I really enjoyed these interesting “skills”, and I hope I will be able to remember how to tell what direction I am facing with only the sun and my watch. And maybe if I get lost in the wilderness with only a bottle of Whiskey I will recall an article I once read about making it useful. Did it say “drink it” or “use the liquid to fuel a fire and the glass to start one, ala magnifying-glass style?” I think it said “drink it.” Can’t remember.

One thing I will remember next time I am at the beach and forgot to grab my sunglasses… I can fashion a pair out of duct tape to cut UV exposure. Now… where did I put my duct tape? My tape sunshades will look killer with my new bikini.

I took a quiz about camping etiquette and failed miserably. I officially scored a 9 out of, well, a lot. I may write a letter to the editor and argue my point on a few I missed. Take for example question 5: “Skinny-dipping in a remote backcountry lake is…” The correct answer is “Cool if you are fairly clean and there are no other campers nearby.” 

I stand by my choice of “Uncool unless your name is Megan Fox or Robert Pattinson.” I am just impressed the nerds that wrote this magazine know who those two people are.

I also was highly confused by question 7 in which I am asked to choose the surfaces I should NOT walk on, “either for safety or LNT reasons.” I pretend I know what “LNT” is and read the choices. A. Microbiotic soil B. 38-degree talus slopes C. Lichen-covered rocks D. Graupel E. The midpoint of a cornice F. Baby moose or elk tracks G. Quicksand.

Right.

And yes, those are real words: I looked them up. Guess I learned a few new words today.

One question asked me what I would do with my single malt, assuming (please, GOD) I had the presence of mind to grab it before I left on my camping trip. I chose “trade it for Snickers” which in my opinion are always preferred over a drink. The correct answer was “Slug it, pass it around, repeat.” I have two points here – again, snickers are better, and if I did have an alcoholic beverage, I am probably to cheap and stingy to share it.

I also learned that 10 roasted grasshoppers have about the same protein and calories as a hamburger. So remember THAT next time you are chowing down on that Whopper.

Yum.