Wow. So today is my last day of magazines. Has it really been two weeks? If I had realized it was my last magazine post, I would have chosen something witty or meaningful or poignant to read. What did I read? Tabloid trash. Another people magazine. Sept 20th.
I open it up. The first face I see staring back at me is Alex O’Loughlin, my hunky vampire love who is now staring in Hawaii Five-O. He is sporting a tight black t-shirt, drenched in water (wet t-shirt contest anyone? please?) and just the right amount of scruff and cockiness. How I lust him, let me count the ways…
Let me clarify my “tabloid trash” remark. There is a “where are they now” article for tv reality stars (trash), an article on Britney Spears which I don’t even pretend to read (white trash), and one about “teens turned MTV reality stars” who got pregnant at 16 and gave their baby up for adoption (yes, let’s reward the nice, young, fornicating couple with TWO TV shows).
There weren’t really articles of sustinance (Why, Mom, why? Just stop checking the “yes, I’d love another free trial” box) so I just ending up with little nuggets of useless information, which I am currently brimming with, after reading a magazine a day for a week.
“Easy A” looks funny, at least all the articles claims it to be. Speaking of, what is showing at the drive in…? The article claims that the girl in the movie, who is a virgin that everyone thinks is quite promiscuous, is a great role model for girls. And I quote: “Olive is more than a role. She’s a role model.” Ah, isn’t it every mom’s dream that one day their little girl will grow up and go to a school where everyone thinks she’s a slut? One can only dream… Perhaps I should see the movie before I judge.
Jonathan Lipnicki, that adorable “did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?” kid from Jerry Maguire is 19? And ready to get back into acting! He’s not bad looking but I like him better at 6.
People Magazine likes to asks celebs what they are reading now, to make them feel like regular people, I suppose. My new I-should-be-ashamed-of-myself (so-I-won’t-reveal-my-barely-legal crush’s name) is reading Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. He’s “only into it a couple pages” but he is “already like ‘whoa!'” Isn’t he deep? Good thing he’s hot. He’s gonna need it.
Did you know James Franco is 32? Speaking of James Franco, I am missing him and his pot, James Thomas… Must be withdrawals.
Museum Day was Sept 25. 1300 museums let you browse their goods for free. Too bad I’m 3 weeks late. Or maybe I’m just early.
There is an ad for a latte mix near the end of the magazine that fits some days of my life perfectly. The scene is a living room. A toddler is spilling a cup of milk all over the floor, near a plate of spaghetti that is smeared all over the white rug. A baseball is coming through the window, hit from outside and the car is jumping off the couch, knocking over a glass vase of flowers in the process. Laundry (only ONE basketfull, yeah right) sit unfolded on the coffee table. The well-meaning husband is falling off a ladder with a bucket of blue paint, onto a white couch. He leaves blue handprints on the way down. Two kids are flinging feather pillows at each other, sending white snow flying and a muddy dog is running through the house, further devastating that white rug. He shakes water all over yet another kid, taking off dirty soccer cleats.
In the midst of all this chaos, the mom sits peacefully on the couch, eye closed, sipping her coffee.
Ok, maybe it’s not like my life at all. I drink tea, not coffee.