Killing zombies with kitchen utensils.

And now, for my next two week trial, I will saw a man in half! Or maybe I’ll skip the magic this time and do something a little less supernatural.
A friend of mine is having a Pampered Chef catalog show so she dropped a magazine at work. It is filled with tons of awesome kitchen gadgets that you never knew you needed. Like a julienne peeler! You just “peel” the carrot with this little tool and it automatically turns them into perfect little strips. There is a scoop for getting the stems out of strawberries, a grapefruit slicer and an avocado peeler. I started making a list of what I needed, like that spoon that stirs AND mashes, then remembered my kitchen drawers and cabinets full of utensils and appliances that I rarely, if ever, use. Like an oil dispenser. Or skewers. Or taco holders.
So, for my next trial, I am going to try and use all of those items in my kitchen that haven’t been touched since they were given to me. Some of them are completely foreign – I have no idea what they I are, much less what I am supposed to do with them. I will de-virginize my bread machine, figure out what that metal basket is for, and attempt to use something labeled “world’s smallest juicer”. Wish me luck.
In the mean time, my friend Larry sent me an email about one of his crazy, (possibly medicated), dreams. And since it features one of my great loves, zombies, I wanted to share it. Enjoy.
Larry wrote:
I came home from work tired again. My knee hurts (alot) today. No one is home so I decide to ice my knee in bed for 20 minutes, then take a snooze until Donna gets home with David. My timer goes off soon so I unplug the polarcare and begin to thaw my knee……. then they come. Zombies. I’m in a small two story house which has one pink bedroom and there is an attic access in the bedroom closet. In the closet is a hunting vest, buck shot, a pump sawed off shotgun and two machete blades, sans handles. Of course we have to keep the lights off at night so the Zombies won’t be drawn to us like bloody (extremely profane for a Brit) heinous killer moths to a struggling flame in the darkness.
In the kitchen I find some knifes with black handles that look like they will fit on the machete/ sword blades. They are easy to take apart. If you push on the rivets, they easily pop out and are in reality silver monopoly hats ingeniously holding the knife handles on. I quickly procure my swords, assemble them with my new found handles and to there delight, show my fellow survivalist/ zombie fighters my weapons. Gleaming silver machete’s with serrated gensu blades-perfect for lopping off zombie heads.
The battle begins. I run to the pink room and open the closet, turn on the lights (oops…attracts more Zombies), Grab my pump shotgun and…..I’m in a warehouse. The team leaves on patrol and we find them. I take the top of the 4 wheel drive monster truck and pile our supply of beanie babies on the roof then drive it under the warehouse loading dock and set the beanies on fire. They explode and snuff out a bunch of zombies in the fiery conflagration.
Lopping off a few Zombie heads we run into the warehouse. Their hunting us. One of them is a former Zombie Team (ZT) member…these zombies are smart (now). The ZT runs and we get split up…..I hear a garage door open in the distance….I run around the corner as they close in. One of the female ZT members has BECOME ONE OF THEM! They force me through this warehouse bedroom. In the background are 3 small child size robots in little girlĀ dresses. They haveĀ round (blue??) faces and two zombies are doing (???? I didn’t know Zombies did that!!!!) on the bed. She tells me they will let me off easy. They will keep my ‘innocence’ and use my brain to power the cute blue faced service robots and I can serve the zombies as a happy mindless droid…….a voice says I should get up so I can fall asleep later……I grab former ZT (now just Z) girl by the neck…..the voice says- Larry, are you awake……I hear a loud crack……..I straighten my leg. DANG, my leg still hurts.
WOW, I better send this to some folks who might be pseudo interested in my weird dreamscapes……
I sit up and look around for Zombies. None in site………………but it’s getting dark.
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3 Responses to Killing zombies with kitchen utensils.

  1. Larry wrote that?! that was awesome, larry kicks ass lol

  2. Wendy says:

    Yup. It was awesome. Zombie dreams are the best.

  3. Larry says:

    I didn’t write it…I lived it! (in a dream) ;^)

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