My P90X video says the program is all about “muscle confusion.” Well, not only are my muscles confused (What?! Exercise?!), but they are baffled, annoyed, angry, upset, hurt, displeased and sore as well. They didn’t mention all that in the video.

Since we aren’t doing the program every day (because our schedules won’t allow it), we are doing it 3-4 times a week and we just choose whatever workout we want. Monday Jordan picked Cardio. It was 43ish minutes long. There are all of these weird combo moves with jabs and upper cuts and crossovers (none of which I know what they are, something with boxing I guess), combined with side kicks and back kicks… it’s all very Steven Seagal.

People that play the drums have always amazed me. I cannot, to save my LIFE, keep two separate beats/rhythms by stomping my feet or clamping my hands or bobbing my head. I have no coordination whatsoever. I am surprise I can walk and chew gum at the same time without falling flat on my face. I don’t need a mirror in front of me to know I look ridiculous doing P90X. Luckily, my husband is right next to me looking like an idiot, too. Maybe a little less of an idiot than me, since he was playing sports in high school while I was busy playing the clarinet, but an idiot nonetheless.

Once, we were doing this move where you pretend to catch a basketball from the right side and shoot it into an imaginary basket in front of us. I thought I was doing pretty good, having never played any formal sport (I was a nerd), and I got a little sassy with my “jump shots”, adding some hip movement. My sweet, darling, loving, encouraging husband said “Dang, Babe. You’re a natural!” I was so proud! I thought he was serious until he slapped me on the butt and laughed with one of those conniving little smiles men wear so well. Well, all I can say to that is “I kicked yo’ ASS in the yoga portion, Mr. “My-ankles-hurt”!”

Yesterday, we did the Ab workout. At the beginning, it said it was only 16 minutes long. Jordansaid “16 minutes?! I’m down with that!” (He likes to go gangsta sometimes). After 43 minutes of bouncing around the living room yesterday, we were looking forward to a little less movement/time/sweating/water guzzling/aching muscles. About 45 seconds in, (SECONDS, mind you), we regretted our decision and took back all of the rude and undesirable comments we made about the 43 minute Cardio workout. If only we could have it back! We love you Cardio! We HATE you Abs! I don’t think my stomach muscles have EVER been put through anything like that. Even Steven Seagal would have struggled with this one. It was KILLER! Youhavenoidea! (Unless you’ve done it, of course). For most exercises, the only thing touches the floor is your butt, and having to keep both your legs and your upper body in the air is always tough, not to mention wiggling them around and trying not to fall over… or to simply die. A couple hours later when I crawled into bed, with now not only sore legs and arms from the day before, but abs as well, I could barely arrange a pillow under my head.

Today, if someone had a gun to my head and my options were to do a sit up or take one in the temple, I’d choose the bullet. At least then I would get out of my next deadly workout.

It even hurts to sneeze.

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One Response to P90uuuggghhh.

  1. Joshua says:

    Sounds like good stuff. I think I will purchase this program based on your testimony.

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