I think for the next two weeks I’ll write about new movies I’m watching. I’ve seen some real whoopers lately. I’ll start out with the most outrageous, that most people don’t believe is a real movie until they have the proof in their DVD player, and trust me, you don’t want it there. So just take my word for it.
It is called Tiptoes. I assume it is called that because the movie is about a family of little people. Let’s start with the A-List actors in it, and no, I’m not being sarcastic. They really are A-List actors. Why they ever signed on to be in the little gem (now I am being sarcastic… see how that works?) of a movie, we will never know.
They are: Matthew McConaughey, Kate Beckinsale, Gary Oldman, Patricia Arquette and Peter Drinklage. Okay, those last two may not be considered “A-List”, but they are certainly up there as respectable. And certainly not actors who should have been staring in this movie, no one should have. This movie should have never been made.
Okay, here we go…
It starts off ordinarily enough. McConaughey and dating/living with Beckinsale. He leaves for the night to go to a get-together, but won’t tell her what it is for. Turns out, it is a little people convention. His parents are dwarves as is his twin brother, Oldman. Why they didn’t get a real little person to play this role, we will never know. It seems they had him walk on his knees at times, to appear short, and to pull his arms back a little to make them look smaller. He also had a big hump on one shoulder (maybe to deter us from the fact this is a 5’10” man playing a LITTLE PERSON) and a large “butt” hidden in a pair of bagging jeans. I can only assume these are his feet, wrapped up, taped to his ass and stuffed into pants. They don’t show his lower half often, but just enough for us to be suspicious of the bump being feet.
She gets pregnant, which McConaughey is way less than excited about, and once his brother drops by for an unexpected visit, she figures out that the kid might inherit the “little people” gene. Throughout her pregnancy, she gets closer to his family and their friends, including Patricia Arquette as this drifter with braids and bead who dates Peter Drinklage, a French dwarf with medical issues. They get periodically drunk on his cherry flavored imported pain medicine mixed withCognacand then get down and dirty in front of anyone who unfortunately happens to be around. Cocktail, anyone?
She has the baby, which turns out to be a littler person and McConaughey goes ballistic. He punches a wall and generally drops out of parenting, but not for lack of trying. Beckinsale and his family keep telling him he needs to get psychiatric help because he harbors this resentment towards himself and his “damned genes”. Everyone acts like everything is perfectly normal and fine and great. To me, sometimes he is the only one acting appropriately. The others just ignore it and go about life.
Anyhoo, she moves out and in with his brother, the French guy and the drifter. Those two have a big fight and break up, over her not doing dishes or something and she moves out. In the end, McConaughey comes for a visit, seemingly wanting to make it work, and Beckinsale says that until he can be there for his son (which is what I thought he had come there to do), he should just stay away. She says he isn’t ready and he says he is trying. He gets in the car and leaves.
Later that night, the little person brother (guess I could have been saying Oldman this whole time…) anyhoo, Oldman and Beckinsale are sitting out by the fire and she says “You can kiss me if you want.” WTF? Where did that come from? You are gonna go from Matthew McConaughey to that guy? Nothing against him being a fake little person, but he has this awful unkept greasy hair and mustache and big thick glasses. Oh yeah, and a hump on his back and a weird butt. And she’s hot. But whatever.
So the movie ends on that note. (I left out the kinkier stuff…)
The characters never really develop and you don’t really care about anyone or anything other than the movie is finally over. Our final thoughts before we put this back in the Netflix mailer were: “Huh?” and “How did they get these actors to make such a crappy movie?”
So take our advice and skip it. Or if you want just a little more, you can watch the Tosh.0 rundown here: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2011/02/22/tiptoes-spoiler-alert-uncut/#more-27527