Don’ts and more Don’ts… No thank you Netflix.

Netflix has lovingly decided to break up their streaming into a separate package, but they are trying to make it sounds good for us. Something like “so we can better serve you, we are going to start charging you double your monthly fee to stream all that crap you never watch anyway.” I told them “no thanks” and changed it to only dvds, no streaming. So I have until the 11th of this month before my streaming stops. I am trying to make the most of it by watching all the crap it has to offer.

Movies I started and stopped:

Undead or Alive –  A zombie flick…a comedy (they call it a Zombedy)… sounds right up

my alley. But it wasn’t. I have it three minutes, then started fast-fowarding to see if it got better. It didn’t. It’s set in the wild west, with outlaws, sheriffs, saloons, and dead folk. Chris Kattan is in it, so I should have known better. He’s pretty funny on SNL, but pretty un-funny in movies. He should have stuck with two minute skits. Nothing is funnier than Mr. Peepers.

Crank 2: High Voltage: I like the first one with Jason Statham. It was fast-paced, clever, fun. This one was slow-ish, semi-clever, and not fun. I watched about half an hour, waiting for it to get better. Jordan got home and watched two minutes and said “Why are you watching this?” I didn’t have a good answer so I fast-forwarded to the last scene, where he is on fire, skin melting off (terrible CGI) and still not dead. Do you really think a little fire could kill him if falling from a 13 story building (or was it an airplane) onto the pavement and subsequently having your heart ripped out? I think not…

 

Movies I started and wish I would have stopped:

Full Frontal: This sounded cool… a movie with in a movie. TONS of stars: That bald guy from just shoot me, Catherine Keener, Mary McCormack, Dwight from the Office, that guy from Warehouse 13, Brad Pitt even had a couple cameos, David Duchovny, Julia Roberts, David Hyde Pierce (skinny guy on Frasier), Blair Underwood, Rashida Jones (another Office Alum), the list goes on. So given all of THAT, I expected something. Perhaps I am not “artsy” enough to understand this “film”, but I was bored out of my gourd. You find out what part of it is a movie (if follows the lives of several people), and you see there’s also a play going on, but then at the end, it pulls away and you aren’t sure if the rest of it was also a movie, or if they just thought it was cool to show you the set. And don’t even get me started on the title… NO idea where that comes into play, since thankfully, there were no “full frontals” of any of the actors. Don’t get me wrong Brad, you’re hot, but that doesn’t mean we want to see all that, whether it is your or anyone else’s. Best to keep it under wraps.

Stone: Milla Jovovich (love her), Edward Norton (great), Robert DeNiro (can’t go wrong). But the movie sucked. Norton is in prison, trying to convince his parole officer (DeNiro) to let him out. Milla is Norton’s hot wife. When normal head game aren’t getting him anywhere with DeNiro, Norton gets wifey to seduce him (twice). He lets him out on parole, gets paranoid, his drunk Bible thumping wife sets the house on fire, he tries to kill Norton; its sounds exciting but really, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. The dialog was boring. I kept fast-forwarding through looong scenes without talking, like driving in a car, walking through a hallway, sitting on a bed. Ugh.

Word to the wise: Don’t Google “full frontal” without typing in “movie” along with it. Some thing cannot be undone… ew.

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