Day One of the Cleanse

The Night Before.

8:30 p.m. – Prepare breakfast, lunch and snacks. Breakfast is a Green Machine Smooth. Romaine lettuce (Wal-Mart didn’t have any so I used a spring mix), kale, pineapple, mango, ginger, parsley (mine recently died after a whole year of being alive, so I use mint and still consider my parsley growing a success) and water. Sounds alright, right? You’d be wrong. 

Day One.

6:50 a.m. – Stuff greens and rest of smoothie into blender. Warn Riley (he’s now 3) that I am going to turn the blender on. Flip switch. Nothing happens. Push button on wall plug. Try again. Nothing. Try another plug, then another. Finally ran across the dewy grass to borrow my Grandma’s. Her response? “Blender? I don’t know. I have something that might be a blender…” How do you forget what a blender is? Anyway, take 60’s model blender back to house. Transfer contents. Warn son. Blend. Pour into glass. Goodbye kisses (and tantrum that I am not taking him to school) and out the door. Take my first sip in car. Verdict – disgusting. Tastes like ground up greens with water, which is exactly what it is. Choke down the last bit as I park the car and nearly vomit. It was mostly water that had settled out and floating bits of spinach and kale. Try not to think about what I just did. The pineapple, mango and ginger did not help the taste… at all. I at least had the presence of mind to freeze the fruit and refrigerate the water so the “smoothie” was at least cold.

 7:20 a.m. – First order of business at work: a cup of tea to get the taste of the smoothie out of my mouth. I use honey. Though I am not sure the cleanse gods would agree, I have already allowed myself this one caveat to my detox. Gotta have my tea sweet.

 8:45 a.m. – Still picking bits-o-green out of my mouth. Burps are the worse. Ever. Kale, spinach, mint…ugh. 

8:55 a.m. – Break the rules and have a piece of Xylitol containing gum. Horrible green smoothie taste almost gone. I love you, Trident.

9:40 a.m. – Hunger strikes. Drink more water. Already peed 3 times this morning. 

10:10 a.m. – STILL have not managed to dislodge rogue piece of kale (?) stuck in the back of my throat after a cup of hot tea and oh, say, 40 ounces of water. 

10:30 – Try my first nut/dried fruit ball thing. Recipe made it look like a cinch to make, but trying to get dried fruit and nuts into a little ball to roll in sesame seeds is really hard. So mine are more nut/dried fruit mushes with sesame seeds dumped on top. It’s actually really good. But who am I to judge? I’d eat a dead horse right about now. Heck, maybe even a Green Monster Smoothie. Nope. Nevermind. Take that last part back. 

11:25 a.m. – Lunch. Thank GOD. Lunch consists of an avocado, half a yellow bell pepper that I paid a ridiculous $1.78 for, and 5 grape tomatoes, a scallion I dug up from the garden last night with a flashlight in my hand, mixed with olive oil, lime juice and S&P. I left out the cilantro because I hate it. You are supposed to stuff it back in the avocado shells but I have no one here to impress, so I just dumped it into a Tupperware container. Not bad. Too oniony but surprisingly filling. 

12:00 p.m. – Burping onions and avocadoes. Gross. Should have left the onions off. The situations necessitates more gum. It contains Phenylalamine. Don’t know what that is but it’s probably not Whole Living approved. So suck it. 

1:15 p.m. – Snack of strawberries. So good I feel like I am cheating.

2:50 p.m. – Eat 3 nut balls (Yes, I know how it sounds, but that’s what they are!) and drink a tiny V8. Gotta have something on my stomach before plasma donation.

3:30 p.m. – Scheduling error. Couldn’t donate plasma. Instead, spend a ridiculous $11 on two butternut squash at market on way home.

6:00 p.m. – Have surprisingly yummy supper of Roasted Cauliflower and Red Peppers with olives, almonds and EVOO/lemon dressing. Endure negative comments and snears from both family members about my meal, including “what’s THAT?” and “that’s ALL you are eating?” Force one member to try it as punishment.

8:30 p.m. – Pretty hungry. Eat a banana and have a glass of lemon/honey water while painstakingly preparing tomorrow’s lunch, which I am sure will disappoint. Looks shady.

9:30 p.m. – Seriously? How can the kale from this morning STILL be stuck in the back of my throat? I’ve had food and drink to wash it down. Now it’s making me angry. I think I need to go probe with my toothbrush. Hopefully I won’t poke in the wrong place and trigger my gag reflex.

11:00 p.m. Proud to report no stomach growling today!

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One Response to Day One of the Cleanse

  1. Tracie says:

    Ugh! that sounds like Hell!!

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